I know that my own story is the most potent teaching I can offer. I didn't manifest a satisfying relationship by believing alone. I didn't just manifest a man who adores me, supports my every desire and even stops on a Sunday afternoon on the way back from the Farmers Market to indulge my designer instincts at a new furniture store. He is even the one who suggests we stop! For me, this is the true devotion of someone ...who is interested in my happiness and is delighted to spend time with me. Am I happy because he is such a great partner? No!
I am happy
because I finally received myself and gave myself permission to share who I really am.
Would this be possible with another man? I am certain it is! Because the satisfaction of intimacy is dependent on being yourself. When you trust yourself enough to be truly intimate, your discernment about who to share with is refined. The only way to share a truly intimate connection is to show up fully as who you are! Your choice of the right guy is determined by how well you know yourself and your willingness to speak up.
Women who think the way they look, or the places they frequent, or the accomplishments they can tally are the ticket to attracting the right guy are disappointed when they have yet another dud experience. They conclude there just aren't any good guys left. Underneath that complaint is the lurking fear ,"Is there something wrong me?" Why isn't it easier? Where is he? Why can't i find him? The true story of my gratitude for this companionship that I am blessed to share comes from the turning point when I stopped looking.
I was exhausted after 6 years of being single, looking at every possible opportunity. the grocery store, the gas station, the library, church( twice a week!), workshops, the beach, the paint store, etc. The nagging feeling of lacking something important was draining the life out of me. I remember the very day in the course "Calling in the One, " when it dawned on me that getting to know myself, my preferences, my beliefs, my values, my desires, my fantasies, my longings was the most satisfying way to have a good day.
I decided that I was going to create a life full of my favorite things...what pleased me, what nourished my soul, and if he came into a life that I was enjoying, ok! If not, I would still enjoy my life!
I was living in L.A. at the time and though I was in a safe and beautiful place, I knew LA was just too buzzy for me. I longed to move to Santa Barbara, so I did! I was handed a lovely design job that made the bridge for me at just the right moment. Providence...remember? It moves when you commit to what you desire! I had a wonderful time with my creativity in that project, and I adored the beauty of Santa Barbara that so fed my soul. I also allowed myself to attend some music events ( an investment in fun) and to browse at a particularly opulent and amazing clothing store just for fun once a week. I took myself to the beach, to galleries, to the parade in downtown and to a cup of tea in the plaza. I felt I was living an artistic life. I was committed to completing the business training I had started, so I was also making new friends among the trainees. I was speaking at the trainings, developing my work, and even planning to make a product to help people sleep. It was a rich time of self expression that created the satisfying life I knew I wanted to create. Were there days of loneliness and doubt? Of course.
Predominant though, was my satisfaction in choosing nourishing opportunities for beauty and enjoying each day. The energy that was released from stopping the looking was better spent in finding what was yummy to me. It was at this juncture that the invitation to create a bedroom design in Berkeley came to me through someone in the business training. When she sent me the website to confirm the colors that she desired, there was the testimonial box that contained a familiar name, a music guy I knew 30 years earlier in a former life as a Sufi dancer in Colorado. We were great friends and I had no hesitation in looking him up to say hi. He was actually producing a concert with my favorite singer that weekend I was to be in town! The singer that had accompanied me in my car for three years was about to be in the same room with me and I was over the moon excited! After a brief conversation we decided I would come on the train. He came to pick me up at the train station carrying a small bouquet of roses from his yard, and the lunch he had made. I remember feeling the flush of sweet recognition, a surprise...and yet so totally easy and natural, as we fell back into the familiar trust that old friends share.
That was April 29th 2011 and I married him on 11/20/2011. When I returned to Santa Barbara to pick up my things, my heart was singing as I crossed the Golden Gate on my way back to a life that has every day since felt just right.
Does this mean that intimacy has been easy for me? Certainly not.
There have been a thousand turns in the road when I have been confronted by yet another way I hold myself back, deny myself permission to meet my own needs, create s storm of fear and doubt by ignoring my intuition. Did I have to learn to commit to my own frequency and navigate a way to live with his true frequency, too? Yes! Does that mean he is not the right guy? Of course not. It's the mirror that shows us where we are separate. The mirror that looks with eyes of love can hold us until we can find the courage to really see ourselves.
My offering to women of a certain age is this: The only one denying your dreams is you. Why not create a life that is totally yummy for yourself?
If the right guy is going to come into your experience, he is most likely the one who resonates with the happy woman you have become. No body wants a reclamation project! You don't want one, and neither does he! When you become the sparkle in your own eye, that's attractive! When you are willing to take 100% responsibility for your life, you will feel like a Goddess, juicy, vital, excited and grateful to be alive. I have been on this journey for a long time.
There are no fairy tales that can describe the freedom or the magic of being fully received for just who you are. That magic is created by receiving yourself.
With Love, Deborah