I am taking the liberty of sharing my journey with you this morning because I hope it will save you some suffering. It has been an intense day of seeing myself more clearly.
Last night we had one of our “ how can we be closer” discussions….looking at the ways that our inner reality creates distance in our relationship….mostly “what I wish you wouldn’t do…or I wish I could do differently” explorations. My experience of these talks leaves me mostly feeling like I just can’t really ever be finished with improving myself…and
it makes me sad that after 65 years of working on becoming more visible, I am still just so protected.
I could not find peace in the middle of the night. Since I could not sleep, I finished Aleph by Paulo Cohelo...one of the most profound insightful sharings of the inner journey I have ever read. I felt released from my inner critic, as I opened to the destiny of being a woman and loving a man after centuries of abuse and the fear that lingers!
In essence, what was revealed in the story was a woman’s dilemma about feeling she could never get her need for love met. In the inquisition, we all suffered the consequences of death for being beautiful, intuitive, and sensuous...and thus dangerous to the authority of the church. Paulo helped me see
the destiny of forgiveness can happen only inside myself as the path to freedom.
Having been raised by a mother who found peace only on her deathbed, I recognized that I was trained to always look for what’s wrong…what isn’t quite up to par…what could be better as my primary approach to the world. Living in my mother’s critical environment where she could never find satisfaction and peace, I learned to scrutinize myself, my companion, and every element of my life looking for what could be improved. It is a form of self abuse that steals my energy and makes me appear to be unhappy most of the time. What this striving did for my life helped me achieve some things…and even they did not satisfy me because they could have been done “better”. I believe it is the reason I became a therapist…to find out how to improve myself.
The harshness with which I treat myself is naturally projected onto my partner, and because he loves me, he suffers with my unhappiness…striving in his way to support me to change..which only irritates me and makes me hold onto my “NO!” It is my inner no that makes me restless and seeking protection…
for with out saying yes to myself, I am lost in the uphill battle to be ok
…and thus, unconsciously try to do something to please my mother out of her misery. This is a deeply held conditioning in my inner reality and I am so grateful to have yet another layer of it released!
When I am relaxed…when I am curious about my own pleasure and ways to please myself….I become a much happier companion and lose my interest in being preoccupied with how my partner is doing. He is having his own journey to healing his wounds and we are truly making an important contribution to the healing of the world by loving each other into awareness. Conscious communication leads to conscious loving…and that happens first inside myself. So we leave for Ashland for a weekend in our new community with an open hearted space between us as
I further commit myself to loving…myself first…and thus my presence becomes love.
I know we have some parallel challenges in our journeys. I hope this inspires you to remember that what you bring to your relationship with your beloved is only the depth of presence and love you hold for yourself. Criticizing is easier than being compassionate with yourself…and with him. He really is doing so much to be a good person…as are you. Genuine patience is what we all seek.
I am sending you love and blessings for your day. I appreciate your receptivity. I offer you my inner journey as the window into another’s surrender to love. May it bring you peace as you love yourself more every day.